A despair-inducing variation on the classic detective game Cluedo (or Clue) for 2-6 overstuffed and resentfully blood-related players at Christmas time.
Rules of the game are the same as the standard version, but with the following additions:
- Oblivious to the requirement of 2 dice to play correctly, use the single remaining die in your dog-eared set, circa 1972, to move around the board.
- Complain about spending most of the time in corridors.
- Express displeasure that some of the other players are being far too “clever” with their detective notes.
- Regularly note that you don’t understand what some other players are up to
- Employ liberal amounts of set theory and boolean algebra to keep track of the whereabouts of every card in the game.
- When a player, in response to your choice of suspect, announces that they have no card to show in blatant contradiction to your faultless system of logic, declare that player to be a filthy liar. Continue verbal abuse for several minutes before breaking down in tears.
- On every other of your turns, suspect a character, weapon and room that you yourself own in an attempt to “bluff” the other players, but such that this becomes completely obvious and offers absolutely no advantage to you.
- Repeatedly declare in exasperation that the weapons are strewn about the board in a way that is “confusing everybody”.
- Each time a female character is mentioned, argue about whether their correct title is “Miss” or “Mrs”.
- If a player mentions “Mr Mustard”, suggest that they are now “just taking the p*ss”.
- On your turn, wait no less than 3 minutes while examining your cards, your notes, and the board in silence before asking “who’s go is it?”
- When required to show a card to another player, do one of the following:
- Hold the card out at arm’s length at an angle that can still clearly be seen by another player. Said player must recoil, eyes covered, crying out in a similar fashion to a vampire exposed to direct sunlight, before noting down the card carefully on their note sheet.
- Slide the card face down across the table, driving it skillfully around drinking glasses as if it were a toy car. In response, the recipient must peel the card cautiously from the surface of the table, just enough to glimpse its front, before sighing loudly at the sight of the same card they were shown last turn.
- Every time a player starts to move away from a corner room, remind them excitedly about the “secret passage” as though this will be the very first time they have heard about the rule.
- Finally, realise that you forgot to put the murder cards in the envelope at the start of the game.